


Help

by anneryn7



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Alternate Universe, Crying, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Falling In Love, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Hurt Penelope, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Kevin is an asshole, Male-Female Friendship, Minor Violence, Past Abuse, Rape Aftermath, Rape/Non-con Elements, Romantic Friendship, Tears
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:41:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25396321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anneryn7/pseuds/anneryn7
Summary: AU. Hotch/Garcia endgame. I was raised to believe that I needed to protect myself and that I couldn't rely on anyone else to save me. That has been my mantra for months. But I know that I can't do it alone anymore.
Relationships: Penelope Garcia/Aaron Hotchner, Penelope Garcia/Kevin Lynch (past)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 20





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Hey all. Here's (another) Penelope/Aaron ongoing fic, as I'm wrapping up Take Care. I hope you enjoy it! I've been writing chapters to both, while I've had down time at work.
> 
> Love,  
> Anneryn
> 
> I DO NOT OWN CRIMINAL MINDS OR THE CHARACTERS.

Chapter One:

* * *

" _A woman must not depend upon the protection of man, but must be taught to protect herself."  
_ _-_ _Susan B. Anthony_

* * *

I dry heaved, after the last of the contents of my stomach splashed into the porcelain bowl below me. Everything hurt. Kevin had gone overboard. Again.

As far as I was concerned, we weren't together and hadn't been for months, but Kevin refused to accept that. If I ever got away from him – truly away from him – it would only be because one of us was in a body bag. He has made that abundantly clear.

I was raised to believe that I needed to protect myself and that I couldn't rely on anyone else to save me. That has been my mantra for months. But I know that I can't do it alone anymore.

He almost killed me tonight. I need help, or I'm going to end up dead. Tonight just reaffirmed that. I need the team, but Kevin has a gun and he won't leave. I'm in no shape to try and leave, myself.

I locked the bathroom door and I turned on the shower and the sink faucet. I dialed Hotch's number. If Derek showed up, I didn't think Kevin would do anything, but shoot first. If I called Reid, I didn't know if Kevin would even let him inside. I couldn't picture anyone saying no to Hotch.

"Penelope? Is everything alright?" Hotch answered, quietly, but alert.

"N-No," my voice broke. "Kevin has been violent. He has been physically abusive for months. I tried to end it so many times, but it doesn't make a difference. He has a gun. We're at my place. I locked myself in the bathroom. He almost killed me tonight. I-I… I need help. I need you to come get me. I'm afraid he'd shoot Derek. I don't think he'd let Reid come inside. I don't think he would tell you no. Bring the team. Have them stay out of sight. I can't leave myself. It's really freaking bad, Boss Man." I cried into the receiver of my cell phone. He was eerily silent.

"Stay put. We're coming for you, Penelope. You'll stay with me, until all of this gets sorted out." He hung up and I slumped against the side of the tub. All of the residual adrenaline and all of my energy left me.

Hotch was coming. The team was coming. They're coming for me. I can finally breathe, again.

* * *

Knocking on the bathroom door jarred me from unconsciousness. I opened my eyes and tried to focus, but everything was blurry. I heard a gunshot and I jumped.

"Penelope, it's Aaron. Can you unlock the door for me? It's safe. Kevin has been subdued." Hotch's voice was music to my ringing ears. I crawled over to the door and unlocked it. I used the last of my energy to pull it open.

Everything was starting to go dark, again. Everything just felt so heavy. _**I felt so heavy**_. I felt arms wrap around me and lift me up. I finally felt safe.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two:

* * *

" _Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars."  
– Khalil Gibran_

* * *

Incessant beeping ripped me from my painful reverie. Whatever sleep I had gotten was filled with distorted, fitful nightmares. Even asleep, I still knew no rest. Peace still evaded me.

"Baby Girl, you're awake." Derek breathed. My hand flew to my chest. I jumped – shaken to the core that I wasn't alone in the room.

"Derek, is she awake?" Hotch asked, from somewhere further away. Where was I? What happened? Where was Kevin? How did I get here? Did I call them? Or had I dreamt that? Was that all in my head?

"Baby, you're in the hospital. Do you remember what happened?" Derek pressed.

"No," I rasped. Rapid imaged flooded through my cotton-stuffed skull. Everything felt foggy and stiff.

"Derek, do you mind taking over out here?" Hotch inquired. "Kevin won't talk with anyone, but you."

* * *

Hotch had taken my hands into his own, before relaying the event of the night before to me. I just nodded, numbly. I didn't utter a word. I had a growing lump in my throat that told me that if I said a word, I would be bawling and I wouldn't be able to stop. I couldn't afford to do that. I had one nagging question that I needed to ask, that I wish I didn't.

"When can I get out of here, Aaron? I hate hospitals. I can't be here… But I can't go home. I don't feel safe there. I haven't, in almost a year…" My voice trailed off, as I choked on the inevitable sob, I had been fighting.

"You have three cracked ribs, your shoulder was dislocated, your wrist is broken, you have severe abdominal bruising and a sprained ankle… Everything has been wrapped and treated. I've had your prescriptions filled. We can go tonight. Your vitals have been normal. As for where you'll be staying, you'll be staying with me. The team has been given leave for the week. Other teams will cover our cases, while you heal, and while charges are pressed against Kevin. Jack is staying with his aunt this week. We'll take care of you, Penelope. You'll be safe. I can promise you that." He vowed. My voice caught in my throat, for what felt like the umpteenth time.

"Aaron, you don't have to do all that for me… I don't… I couldn't… I… Thank you." I closed my eyes, embarrassed that I couldn't formulate a proper thought.

"We do need to. Let us take care of you. _**Let me take care of you**_. Let me do this. Please." He pleaded. I gazed up at him and I felt my resolve soften at the raw emotion and care in his eyes.

"Okay, Aaron. I… Thank you. Can we… Can we go now?"


	3. Chapter 3

" _Love all. Trust a few. Do wrong to none."  
_– _William Shakespeare_

* * *

Chapter Three:

* * *

Adjusting to staying at Hotch's was, just that, an adjustment. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, but thus far, it hadn't. The proverbial breath I was holding was for naught.

Logically, I knew that Hotch wouldn't let anything happen to me, but I also knew that not everything was in his control. Aaron and the team always kept me safe. I'm not sure why I was so terrified that this time would be different. I just knew that for whatever reason, it was.

"Penelope, penny for your thoughts?" Aaron asked me. I jumped at his question. I hadn't heard him come into the living room. And it doesn't help that I've been so damn skittish.

"I just… I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to stop being a victim. I – I can't sleep without seeing his face or feeling his body on me. I… I wake up and I'm alone, but that doesn't stop the panic. I'm petrified that I'll never get past this. I – I barely identify as a woman, anymore. I can't remember what it feels like. I just feel broken and used, Aaron. And, I hate it. The things he did… I want to vomit, just thinking about them. I don't know that I'll ever be ready to talk about them." I whimpered. As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew that I couldn't take them back.

"I think that once you're ready to talk about them, Morgan might be a helpful ear. He will be able to relate to a lot that you went through. But, you are, of course, always welcome to talk to me. Any of us would be happy to listen or to just sit with you." Aaron reaffirmed. I couldn't ignore the warmth that bubbled up in my chest.

"Would you just sit with me? Or could I just lay with you, so I'll sleep?" I whispered, meekly. He moved a warm hand to the small of my back.

"Let me run you a bath and then we can rest in our most comfortable clothes. Then, I can make you pancakes." He suggested. The corners of my lips curved upward and I smiled at him. Anyone who didn't really know Aaron would never know that he was so gentle.

"That sounds perfect."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four:

* * *

" _There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep condition and of unspeakable love."  
_ – _Washington Irving_

* * *

The sheer fact that Aaron Hotchner was running me a bath, moved me to tears. I felt so overwhelmed, by many things.

"Penelope, the bath is ready." Hotch said, stepping out of the bathroom. "What's the matter?" He asked, immediately concerned, as he saw that I was crying.

"I don't know, anymore. Everything and nothing… God, Aaron, you're so, so good to me and Kevin was everything but. Why couldn't I have met someone like you? You always know what to do and what to say, to help me feel better. And I love you for it. And I will never stop thanking my lucky stars that you are a part of my family. But it's hard not to confuse these feelings." I confessed. I bit my lip in an effort to stop babbling.

I shouldn't have said anything. I'll just mess up a good thing. That's what I always do.

"There is nothing to confuse. I'm not. I know what I feel for you. And I know that we don't need to act on anything, until you are ready. I'm not going anywhere, Penelope. I'll be here." He promised, with smoldering sincerity in his eyes.

He feels this way, too? How have I gotten so irrevocably lucky?

"You're serious." I breathed.

"I always am." He nodded.

"Will you stay with me?" I asked him, timidly, before I lost my nerve.

"Always," he vowed. I bit my lip, again.

"No, I mean, will you stay and take a bath with me?" I clarified.

"I will… if you're sure." He nodded.

"I'll feel better, if you're there."

* * *

I sat submerged in bubbles and listened to the soft jazz that Aaron was playing for my benefit. I kept my eyes adverted, as he sank into the bath next to me.

I tried not to be self-conscious, but my body was littered with bruises. And my body wasn't something I was all that confident about, on a good day. I knew what I looked like.

"Stop." He said. I looked up at him in surprise. "Whatever you're' thinking about, however you're beating yourself up, whatever you're telling yourself that's making you frown, stop."

"I… I'm just feeling self-conscious." I breathed, looking anywhere, but at Hotch. I could feel the heat rushing to my face. I'm sure I'm blushing something fierce, right now.

"With or without bruises, you're stunning. I'm sorry that Kevin made you feel anything but." He assured me, as he tilted my chin up, so I was looking up at him. My cheeks flushed and I couldn't ignore how badly I wanted to kiss him.

"Aaron, I…" I muttered, before I leaned up and touched my lips to his. When he kissed me back, it was forceful, all-consuming, tender, and loving, all at the same time. It was everything that Hotch was.

I panted, as I pulled away. His gaze pierced through me, as he brushed hair out of my face.

"I meant what I said. I'll be here. I'm not going anywhere. This will always be at your pace, Penelope." He promised.

Just like that, hook and sinker. I knew I had found everything that I was missing with Kevin. I loved him, but I'll be damned if I admit it, before I'm ready.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five:

* * *

" _Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?"  
_ – _Rose Kennedy_

* * *

No matter how easy things seemed, I still felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I would catch myself enjoying the moment, then I would get sucked into a flashback. They were never peaceful. They were never about good times with Kevin, Lord knows those stopped long ago. Those didn't last.

Even though, I am finally away from that monster, he still has his claws hooked in me. I can't stop thinking about him. I started therapy, but there is still so much to work through. Everything takes so long to process. Everyone keeps telling me to be patient with myself, but that's easier said than done. How do I do that? How do I learn to do that after all this time?

I'm used to being on the other side of things. I help counsel people who lose their loved ones. Grief isn't the same, but the post-traumatic stress is. The shock and long-lasting trauma you can have from having your loved ones killed. I don't know how to pull myself out of it. It feels like I just keep falling deeper and deeper and I have no idea how to climb out. It feels like a never-ending battle and I can't remember the last time that I felt so defeated. How do I get past something in my mind?

"PG, how are you doing?" JJ asked me, as I walked into the BAU to get my laptop. I've been away for so long, that I need to at least be able to work remotely from Hotch's. I just can't handle being there, not yet.

"I've been better, Jayje." I told her, honestly. She nodded and kept looking at me with concern. It crushed my heart. I knew that I was causing everyone to worry and it made me feel so much worse. I didn't know what to do. "I just can't get past it and it's all I can do to breathe most days. I'm a wreck and I can't handle anything." I whimpered, as tears began to fall. Her arms were around me, before I could blink. I flinched, before I could relax into the hug. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that JJ wouldn't hurt me.

"You've been through so much, Penelope. No one expects you to be okay, right now. I would be worried, if you were. You endured so much, for so long. It's natural that it takes time to process everything. You've got to give yourself time, too. If you're not ready to come back, it's okay. I know Hotch will understand. You've got to take care of you, right now."

"I want to be there from the team. I'm not ready to be here, yet." I sniffled. "But I think I can stomach working from home – well, Hotch's – I just… I didn't know that recovery would be this hard. And I never thought I could really hate anyone. I forgave the man that killed my parents a long time ago, but I do, Jayje. I hate Kevin, with every fiber of my being. Any person who can make someone else feel like this, they don't have any redeeming qualities. I know that goes against everything I believe in, but I can't help it. I keep catching myself having little victories. You know? Happy moments. And then I just feel guilty. And then I feel dread and then fear. I feel like I'm programmed to expect the worst. I keep waiting for Kevin to show up and find me and for him to find some way to hurt me, again. The things he did, Jayje, I can't even talk about most of them. I don't know if I'll ever be able to… How is therapy supposed to help me, with things that I can't even think about? I'm so freaking defective!" I cried. JJ rubbed my back and I kept crying. Once I started, I couldn't stop.

"You're not broken or defective, Penelope. You've been through a trauma. You've helped other people get through this. We'll help you get through this, too. We're going to be here to help you however we can. You're not alone." Reid said from beside us. I gave a little jump and I pulled away from JJ. I mopped my face off with the sleeve of my cardigan.

"I don't know what I would do without you all. I've never needed so much help in my life." I sniffled.

"We aren't going anywhere. I promise you that." Aaron said, as he walked into the room. I nodded.

"I love you, you know? I love you. I love all of you. I just… I'm gonna get my laptops and then work from home. Maybe we can do dinner soon. I'm just not ready to be here yet. Too many memories of Kevin and I-I just can't. But I miss all of you. And I think it'll do my heart some good." I explained.

"Why don't we have dinner at my place?" Dave offered, as he walked in with coffee. "I'll cook and we can have a nice night in. We've missed you, Penelope. It will never be the same without you here."

"You're our glue." JJ agreed.

"We'll be there." Emily decided for us. My heart fluttered and felt lighter. Maybe this is exactly what we needed.

"I'll get Jack's aunt to watch him and we'll be there." Aaron promised. He pulled me into his arms and hugged me. It went silent around us. He pressed a kiss to the top of my head, before ending our embrace. No one looked surprised. I wonder if they suspected it or if Aaron already talked to them. Either way, it was a relief. Maybe, after a while, I'll be able to actually enjoy my happy moments again. Maybe one day, I'll feel happiness, again. I can't stomach all of this despair.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six:

* * *

" _It has been said, 'Time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone."  
_ – _Rose Kennedy_

* * *

The team had been right. It was nice to be around them – _my family_ – outside of the office. I needed it. I've missed them. Something about my family just makes me feel so secure. IT helped the gnawing ache in my heart.

I was insecure about things before, but never about how much my family loved me. Now, I'm terrified that they'll think I'm a fraud and they'll see that I'm not worth loving anymore. I don't even feel like I know myself, anymore. Am I worth loving? Aaron would say that I am, but am I?

"Kitten, you've got to stop beating yourself up." Dave told me. I flinched, not realizing he was so close to me.

"I can't help it. It's getting impossible to stay out of my head. I can't control it." I sighed. I was at a loss. I knew what my inner monologue – _my mantra_ – should be. And I also knew it wasn't that.

"You're so much stronger than you realize. You're going to get through this. You don't have to go through it alone or in silence. We're all here. We're here at your disposal and that's how we'll stay." Dave promised.

* * *

Dave's words replayed in my head all night, even after Aaron and I went to bed.

"What's on your mind?" Aaron asked me, gently. I bit my lip, before rolling over to look at him.

"I appreciate everyone being there for me…" I began, before my voice trailed off.

"But?" He pressed.

"But I don't even know how to put into words what I'm feeling. Does that make sense? I can't even make sense of it in my head. It's a confusing, scary place to be right now. And I… I just feel like I'm not doing this right." I admitted.

"Penelope, there is no right way to go about it. The only wrong way to deal with it is to not deal with it and that's not what you're doing. Considering all you've been through, I think you're doing remarkably."

"You do?"

"I do." He vowed. Just like that, I felt better. I knew this wouldn't be the last time I needed affirmation. And I loved him, dearly, for always freely giving it. All of the team did. Whether I believed I deserved it or not. They – _he_ – made me feel loved.

"I don't feel like I deserve it." I whispered.

"I'll keep showing you and telling you, until you do."


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven:

* * *

" _Don't forget that I cannot see myself – that my role is limited to being the one who looks in the mirror."  
_ – _Jacques Rigaut_

* * *

Weeks went by and therapy continued. I got better and then I got worse, again. It was a constant battle. It was a lot of work. I had to remember that my mind was lying to me. I had to unlearn behaviors and certain mindsets. But it was hard… so fucking hard.

I wasn't weak or unlovable. I wasn't hideous or broken beyond repair. At least, that's what I kept telling myself. That was my mantra.

* * *

I was spent – beyond spent. Therapy was grueling. The case we were working on triggered a flashback of painful memories. I kept picturing Kevin grabbing me by the hair and dragging me through my apartment. He took more than my hair that day, and I couldn't stop picturing it. I ended up bruised, battered, and sore. I had to go to work the next day and pretend like I was fine. I still don't know how I pulled that off.

"Penelope?" Aaron asked. I jumped and looked around to find the man behind the voice. "What are you doing, sweetheart?"

"I… I was sitting." I replied, truthfully.

"In the dark, with the TV off?" He questioned.

"I didn't realize. I just keep having flashbacks. And I haven't been able to pull myself out of them. I just keep picturing him hurting me. The things he did… Him on top of me. I… I just want to think about anything else." I whimpered. "Can we just take a bath, Aaron? I just want to feel warm and safe. That's how I feel with you."

"Of course. I'll always say yes to you."

* * *

We sat in silence, soaking in the hot water. Aaron played with my hair and I leaned my back against his front. It was easier to keep my mine from drifting, when I was with him.

"Was it the case today?" He guessed. I nodded, bit chose not to say anything. "If the cases get to be too much, you can always take a leave of absence. You have more than enough vacation days." He offered.

"I can't do that. I have to deal with this, otherwise it'll never get better. I know that means that I'll have some hard days." I replied.

"You never cease to amaze me, with how strong you are." Aaron whispered, before placing a kiss on the top of my head.

"I don't feel strong."

"You might not see it yet, but others do. You only have your perception of yourself." He reminded me.

"I don't know what I would do without you." I admitted.

"You'll never have to find out." He promised.


End file.
